Fighting depression with Poetry and Fitness #8

Fighting depression with Poetry and Fitness #8

Find your voice – Episode 8 – Memoirs of an Anxious Mind – Cos Kyriacou

Tagline: “To HIM its just a game, playing with my mind. An easy target for HIM, he always seems to find. He always seems to be there to put me in my place, lurking and scheming like a puff of smoke up in my face…”

https://www.arendeu/podcast

Find your voice – Episode 8

Cos is a talented Poet who has found his voice by utilising the power poetry in speaking about his depression and anxiety. Riddled with many trials and tribulations growing up Cos has battled with suicidal thoughts from time to time.

Now determined to conquer his mindset working on his health, thoughts and gifts he is looking to help those struggling with mental health illness more.

Alongside this, Cos is also a qualified Accountant and Personal Trainer and this is just some of his hidden talents. He kindly shares one of his poems, HIM, in this podcast and I am sure once you hear this you will follow him over on his instagram channel to learn more about him and hear so many more powerful poems.

Support the podcast: https://www.patreon.com/rss/findyourvoice?auth=gBnWmJ5cdB_Q3FsUedWmWawIe7tjfbhS

Links to me:

Website: www.arendeu.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aren.deu/ (Personal)

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/findyourvoicepodcast/ (Find Your Voice)

Twitter: https://twitter.com/arendeu

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aren.singh

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aren-deu-65443a4b/

Links to guest:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cmklifestyle/ (Personal)

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfullfitness/ (Movement

#JustDeuIt & #FindYourVoice

[Music]

welcome to an episode of find your voice

a movement led by yours truly

Aren do a guy who has overcome

crippling anxiety adversity and

difficulty like so many of you in life

whose main goal now is to help you

combat your excuses take control of your

life write your own story and most

importantly find your voice so now

without further ado I welcome the host

of the show himself mr. Aren do what’s

going on people thank you for tuning in

to another episode of find your voice my

name is Aren and as always I am the

host of the show so like many of my

guests I get really really passionate

and excited to try and support them and

I suppose that’s the beautiful thing

about this show because it’s real people

doing real things just like me and you

I’m really trying to make a difference

and today’s guest is no different

today’s guest goes by the name of Kos

and I do apologize in advance but I

can’t pronounce their surname but you’re

going to get all of that in the show

notes but what’s important about this

individual is what they’ve been through

in their life and I suppose even more

important than that is how they’ve

tackled their adversity they’ve tackled

their mental health their depression

their feelings of suicide and really

come out on the other side and now what

they’re doing is making an impact to

help other people and that’s just my

kind of person and I’m sure it’s

probably your kind of person too so I

think it’s important that rather than

you listen to me whoo yes once again I

have a cold I think that’s gonna be a

theme of this show let’s jump straight

into this interview

okay so firstly I just want to thank

cause for coming on to the show today

and for all you listeners who are here

supporting our movement so my friend how

you doing today good morning I’m good

not as early as you Baba fantastic you

like to hear you well we’ve had a bit of

technical issues and it is slightly

earlier than normal so excuse our voices

cool so you’ve heard the introduction

I’ve explained cause his story but what

I want to know well I think what the

listeners want to know is more about

yourself from you and I think it’s

important that they can get to

understand your story you

journey and how you basically progress

through life and ended up where you are

today so if you wouldn’t mind my friend

if you could just give us a rundown

basically of the life of cause the life

of course easily hey I think it’s best

to start where I am now and then kind of

go through how I got here so I’m a

qualified charted accountant sounds

riveting ah no he says exciting as it

sounds

whoo guys recently qualified in December

and in the new year I’ve gone part time

to kind of tramp pursue my own endeavors

in life so starting from the beginning I

was stopped when I was born because I’m

quite old now or in my own eyes I’m old

but I don’t like to use the word suffer

but I’ve had anxiety my whole life and

now been listening to your your shows

haven’t they been amazing by the way I

appreciate that thank you just listen to

your different guests you know struggles

they’ve had to go through and obstacles

they face for me I’ve always felt it

difficult to kind of ask for help

because I’ve had I’ve had such a good

life in something upbringing

and the situation I’m in I’ve had

amazing parents I’ve never had to ask

for anything not that was slow in any

sense but I was given everything I

needed clothes water the essentials and

that but from an early age I just felt I

was different kind of like I had these

voices in my head I used to think it was

it was good it was someone else I really

don’t know what it was and I find this

went through life with it at school I

never really felt like I fit in whereas

on the outside poori it probably seemed

like I was that guy good at his work

gone along with people but I kind of

quiz my anxieties I threw myself into my

work so I think into studying into being

the best I can in that sense so I just

didn’t feel comfortable socializing I

didn’t feel comfort with myself and then

saw some much easier CSIS etc I left for

six one

I changed sixth one then and that’s when

I started to spiral a bit looking back

now it’s funny because I can see all my

catalysts I can see why I feel the way I

did

where is at the time I just had no idea

what’s going on I’m just in my own mind

so for me what gets me a look is change

and uncertainty and new things and

especially socializing in in new

environments so change into a new sixth

form with people I didn’t know new

subjects just threw me off completely

and it might sound stupid some people

because this is such a simple thing but

for me the biggest fact thing anyone can

handle is their own mind and that’s

something I’ve always struggled with yes

I might not have had big thermal in my

life a lot of people have but a lot of

people live in with their own minds and

try about that every day and people need

to appreciate that

it is hard for a lot of people mm-hmm so

yeah went to I went to six-month picking

up from then and firstly was extremely

hard for me

I was probably on the debts of

depression where it’s back then I think

we know what the pressure was so I

didn’t really see as that I just felt it

was me so my family helped me through a

lot I got through a levels my second

year beta it was great because I was

more comfortable in my environment and

then applied for university got good

grades and got into UCL to study

economics and I think at UCL was the

first time I really but I understand

what the pressure was I start to go

through it so I’m still living at home

traveling to London every day and just

didn’t feel like I fit in they’re always

comparing myself to others that I wasn’t

good enough to be there and then I

started getting suicidal food so I stand

on train tracks and my mind we kill him

to jump and yeah I in my mind I’ve – I

know myself cuz I’ve never had those

thoughts before and I’m in the past I’ve

never when I’ve heard people who commit

suicide or taken her own life I’ve never

understood it but in that moment and now

I’ve been through it that’s the only

place you see confort is by not being

here not being with your mind

Wow is that is that kind of a thing that

you’ve you’ve convinced yourself that it

would just be better off yeah a hundred

percent it’s like you explore different

options so when I start to feel anxious

or when I’m gonna extremely the prostate

I start to look

look at the fact that across the green

on the other side so I was at UCO and I

was saying to my mom

I’m gonna quit I’m just gonna get job

I’m gonna apply to a different Union I’m

gonna do this I’m gonna do that I always

try and wash one away because then all

that anxiety all that all that hurt will

be gone and over you place into

something new so that’s the first time I

started seeing a counselor Britt at UC

oh and while I was at UCL I write to

another university again seeing that the

grass is green on the other side just

want to get out of it so I started

studying for my exams at UCL it’s about

April time and then I’ve got

confirmation that I was given another

place at Royal Holloway University I’ve

been sorry okay and I thought to myself

you know what it’s not worth the toilet

turn won’t burn through I’d literally

write vice for all my exams the weekly I

was gonna sit there but I decided that’s

it I’m not sitting them because I just

want this this kind of cloud to be over

so I quit or I gave up UCL and

straightaway I just felt that count has

been lifted

I felt so good then I was like you know

what this is what I need like my next

university is gonna be amazing I’m gonna

find so yeah that summer was great and

then September moved up to roll away to

stop my new course and in the same thing

started comparing myself to others new

situation a lot of social anxiety I

didn’t go out a lot in my first year and

like I’d hear people in the kitchen

drinking and stuff and I just be in my

room

just with my own thoughts Wow and I’m

glad today I have amazing friends and

amazing flat I’m still in touch with and

that’s friends with your good may as

well

fears off so she helped me through a lot

even if she doesn’t know it and by

getting my first year of uni I was

thinking I need to apply to another uni

it’s gonna be better on the other side I

need to take my course something to do

this I applied for a job and luckily you

know I was convinced to stay I lost my

first year went on to the second year

and that is the biggest term like my

life is the second year I just spiraled

out of control just in myself

among thoughts just not being able to

call or be in social situations with

people my first day my room up my mum my

sister would always come and visit me to

make sure I was okay because they were

extremely worried about me of course

like I used to lock myself in my room

then and research how to end my life

because it’s the only way I can see an

end to it and I knew how wrong that that

was and the the only thing that stopped

me from ever doing it then was yes my

family like what we do to them but I’m

actually getting emotional saying this

sorry man please take your time

but yeah the most it’s really silly but

the thing that stopped me was I wouldn’t

end my life right and my parent would

have to look after me and like her in a

state where I think people looking after

myself yeah sorry man no no I can only

imagine what what you’re going through

because my level of desire is nothing

compared to your level of depression and

we spoke briefly before we had this

interview that you know it took the best

8 years of my mom’s life away and I

think unless you live with somebody

who’s going through or somebody it’s so

difficult because from the surface I

mean you look at your Instagram you look

at yeah the way the way you conduct

yourself your poetry which you’re going

later on in the interview it’s just like

this kind of depression you know you

just know isn’t no more that is it

normally is somebody you can relate to

but it’s it’s amazing how some it’s not

something so simple but something like

your mind can just completely just yet

turn your world upside down and it’s one

of my favorite quotes ever and I

probably say to myself at least six or

seven times a week not because I do it

but because it just helps with things

into perspective and it’s comparison is

the thief of joy you said that you had

ins ie from a very young age and I mean

I’m 32 now and I’m kind of peeling back

the onion layers using an analogy of

when I started getting anxiety and I

think yes having reflected and looking

back at myself I’m able to find certain

moments in my life like when I was six

or seven I was at

shit I was actually quite anxious then

and then maybe that’s really kind of

snowboard have you been able to in your

current situation not be able to look

back and find these key triggers or have

you always just known yourself to be

anxious no a hundred percent if I knew

one who I knew now about myself I could

have controlled a lot of what happened

to me and not let it happen

could you elaborate so my anxieties my

catalysts are changed like new

situations where that’s a new job new

University a new subject I’m studying

uncertainty so I’m a perfectionist as I

said before I used to put myself into my

work and just try and excel at that so

if I’m not the best at something I start

to get anxious might sound stupid but

that’s just the way I am so it’s not

stupid

so you’ve always had this in psyche yeah

and now you knowing what you know now

you’ve said you can obviously look back

and think I could have changed stuff

what kind of things I mean I’m thinking

practical things here for somebody who’s

maybe a little bit younger than

ourselves who’s going through this

moment they’re just constantly anxious

have changed like yourself and being in

these kind of environments what would

you kind of say to them now the one

number one thing does has helped me the

most about anything is talking about it

so talking about how you feel because I

would often just keep everything balled

up inside me and whereas today I’m open

as hell honesty oh are you guys to swear

on this podcast may you can do whatever

you want thank fuck for that that’s fine

some people might not like that but you

know sometimes it’s one of the only ways

you can express it sometimes one or two

episodes myself so

not a problem mate so yes second year of

university extremely down I went to saw

a doctor there who prescribed me after

depressants and I’m back then I had

never taken a tablet in my life not even

a paracetamol just nothing I was just

against putting foreign substances in my

body so I got prescribed down to their

presence I went and got them but I did

not take them and I came back home for

Christmas and I was just so so bad one

day my dad leave she just got me in the

car drove me off the sorry and when he

mom didn’t say hello to any of my

housemates

just went in my drawer guys I depress

we drove all the way back home to North

London and I started taking them and

they helped me massively they’re there

they’re a tool for helping you they’re

not a magic pill that’s gonna make

everything go away could you have to put

you have to put other things in your

life that’s gonna help you get through

but they definitely help just balance

out the chemicals in your brain and the

way you think think mm-hmm and so I

started taking them must I’ve seen a

therapist as well and then I started

going to the gym again so I was injured

at the time I got really depressed they

my substitute but I had a fun injury

okay that’s unique yeah so I couldn’t

really lift weights and so as soon as

that healed in the new year that’s like

a gym again I started feeling good I

stopped them seeing my therapist even

though he advised me to carry on and I

finished my second year third year was

great really enjoyed it when I almost I

had finished uni over to 1/2 percent off

at first which again I beat myself up

again about don’t beat yourself up today

I by the time I was in tears that

literally so fun and and then yeah

applied for a job took me eight months

to get a job and I had no idea what to

do with my life was planned for

everything in anythink mmm

got over Owen into accountancy and then

start here and then things that I

spiralling down again so and even

probably even deeper depression I had in

my second year and the extreme that

suicidal thoughts I just didn’t know

what I want to do with my life

especially working full-time and

studying and studying for something you

didn’t you didn’t really want like I

didn’t know if I wanted to be an

accountant up in all this effort into it

what am i what am i giving to other

people what I’m given to the world by

being an accountant

that’s just how and I just didn’t see me

doing anything else so I I said to my

mom not gonna quit and the Khan teach

I’m gonna quit and do this and quit and

do that and my mom bless her she she’s

helping me a lot but I know how

frustrating it is she understands fully

johnstad 3 but I know how frustrating is

to try and help someone who nothing

seems to help themselves and you can see

the same things happening again in terms

you wanted to just change again to a new

situation

so I stopped taking as the presents when

I was at Union swell after that Sigma

period and I was at work I cited them

again I’m slicing the therapist again

and a major thing that helped me get

through if I did not do this I would not

have qualified to try to count and I may

not be alive today I’m being honest with

you I told him what I told myself about

my depression so I went spokes in

managers I went spoke the partners in

the firm and they were so so good about

it honestly

that’s brilliant like they helped me

massively they put things in place for

me and I felt I could go and talk to

people about it more mm-hm so yeah it

was tough as hell and I qualified about

this December just gone so I’m currently

in the process of coming up mad for the

presents fantastic

I’ll be off them in about two weeks I’ve

definitely felt some side effects but

they start to wear off and I’m feeling

good about life now and the most

important thing about anything that

being through mum I don’t like to use

the word happy up being through it I’m

kind of I’m glad for which taught me and

so six months ago if I was doing this

podcast review I know I was in tears a

little bit before but I would not be

able to talk about this with with

anybody whereas now I don’t give a fuck

I put it on Instagram I talk about

trying to speaking about their feelings

especially especially as a man today in

the society there’s so much many

pressures a lot of stance what about 100

percent mate it’s a it’s an ego maybe

surprise thing I don’t know what it is

with guys we don’t realize that

vulnerability is actually a true

strength and I spoke about this

previously again I’d recommend if you

can listen to Lewis Howes I think he’s

got a book the mask of masculinity and

it’s a fantastic book because I think as

guys you’re doing something there that

is something that we don’t do and I’m

not stereotyping it but how many of us

really talk about stuff when we feel oh

because it’s a bravado thing isn’t it we

can’t show weakness we can’t show that

we’re feeling down or low and I think

the reason I was really interested in

getting you on this show is or because

you’ve touched on something there so we

spoke about the social enterprise that

I’m working on with my

we’re going to get back to mental health

and awareness the first question asked

though was what do you want like if we

raise awareness is it money is it like

materialistic things what kind of things

would make you guys feel better and she

says somebody should talk to you and

that brings us to the whole thing that

we spoke about prior to this episode is

I’m gonna open up just centers I’m gonna

hire them for the day get people who are

going through it people who have

overcome it to just maybe talk about it

and I know that might sound like such a

simple thing from the outside but you’ve

touched on it now as well

the world needs to speak it’s the

simplest of things look us I say to

everyone I don’t see anxiety as an

illness this is my this is my personal

opinion yeah everyone has anxiety but

just different levels of a spectrum

depression is the lowest of the low thus

that that’s an illness that’s something

you can you need to case of our but the

difference between me and the guys

sitting next to me the only difference

between us is I can talk about it now I

talk about it that’s the only difference

the guy still has anxiety 100% different

maybe different levels different aspects

in his life but he just doesn’t talk

about it that’s the difference and by

talking about it which you’ve been doing

more openly now and some of it’s through

your poetry is all which is fantastic as

well have you genuinely seen like a

shift in like your overall moods and did

the severity of your laws as well Oh

100% like if I have a load they know if

I don’t know they in the past I come

home and I keep all my stuff where it’s

I come home now and thank what my sister

is my rock honestly I would not be

honestly hands-down I would not be alive

about her today and she has she’s not

been through depression

touchwood and thank God but even so as

hard it was for her to help me she was

just there to listen even if she didn’t

understand she was just there to listen

and put small things in place to me for

me and so yeah I remember this one time

at university when I was when I was home

for that Christmas when I was really bad

I had an essay to write and I told her I

just can’t do it I’m gonna quit but she

literally sat down with me and made me

write for five minutes at a time when we

go and have a break and come back on

write for five minutes so that’s amazing

yeah she’s been amazing and you’re

fortunate

to have that because there’s so many

people out there you may not necessarily

have that kind of support network as

well yeah because like you’ve touched on

it’s an illness and it’s because it’s

not physical because it’s not like your

thumb for example or yeah you know

somebody’s leg broken or something it’s

it’s internal and again because people

aren’t speaking what we’re doing is

we’re masking everything with it with it

with a smile or Facebook post or

Instagram post but deep down we’ve

rarely know what somebody’s going

through exactly it’s just scary and I

think I think living with it is scary so

I can only imagine what you’re going

through so again I just want to say

thank you for for really sharing the

story no problem I just want to say um

thank what I’ve not been in the press

date for about two and a half years now

yes I live with anxiety but I am knowing

that press date and I’m I will fight my

my utmost not to go back there and help

anyone else to come out absolutely and

I’m not I’m not in a position to give

you any advice having not been through

what you’ve been through but yeah then

there’s a simple quote we use it for our

for our business that me or mom are

going to start it’s okay not to be okay

yeah I don’t know it sounds simple but

it’s so important that we understand

that because myself I mean I don’t

suffer with depression but I will wake

up on it on a Monday or a Tuesday it

could be any day of the week and I will

be in an absolute funk and I’m like why

do I feel like shit like nothing’s gone

wrong like you know my health is they’re

my wife’s happy my mom’s fine

there’s nothing actually happened in

that day I’ve slept well but then you

know what you just you just feel really

low and you got like no motivation and

stuff and I used to beat myself up about

that because I just think I’ve got so

much stuff to do I need to change the

world I need to do this at least get

myself up now it’s kind of like I

literally say that quote to myself it’s

okay not to be okay and all I’ll do is

on that particular day or do stuff like

I’ll go to the gym I’ll try and keep my

nutrition as well as possible because

obviously that helps your mind and

everything I try and speak with my wife

or my brother or my mom in the day just

to kind of cheer me up and I might still

be in a bit of a funk to the end of the

day but the next day it all washes over

rather than me dwelling on it and then

hating myself like throughout the week

that kind of makes sense so it’s

fantastic that it’s been like two and a

half years and there for yourself coming

off it but if you ever do find yourself

perhaps going a bit lower just know

that listen mate you’ve come out of it

so many times yeah kicking and fighting

you’re doing great that it will be okay

and you’ll be alright you next thing I

appreciate I know and and such know what

you said I’ve learned that saw so on

days from the rule of and you you won’t

know why but you just have to take some

time out for yourself and on those days

even today I’ve made wake up and I might

feel a bit low I know I know deep down

there is something causing that maybe

not the day before maybe not on that day

but a week my ass something I didn’t

tackle where it was on my to-do list

which is still bugging me yeah or

someone I didn’t talk to or someone I

said something to which is bugging me

bugging me now and why I feel low so I

personally I think there’s always a root

cause somewhere it’s not always easy to

find

mmm there’s always something that’s

that’s led you to feel that way I think

you’re right there somebody else

mentioned this actually I think it was

on Episode three and it’s about finding

that that deep meaning and I think

because we’re so most of us wake up in

the world whatever is on our phone or I

email a job it will it will dictate our

date we very rarely get time to sit back

and actually reflect upon our life our

circumstances in our situations and I

think if we could do that probably have

less of those days because it is

probably a cumulative effect of things

propping up and then you’ve got this

level of like I don’t know burden or

anxiety or something that will kind of

just hit you on one day and you’re

sitting there thinking what’s going on

here but it’s actually like you said

possibly something that’s that’s

happened a few days ago that’s powerful

so the funny thing is it’s like there’s

no like magic secret is there they’re

not I mean if there was then the world

wouldn’t struggle a bit like Fitness

yeah if we had the magic pill nobody

would be obese and it’s kind of finding

I suppose did you touched on it earlier

his voice you’ve got this toolkit now

yes the the antidepressant tablets help

you control the chemical imbalance

that’s going on but you’ve also got a

toolkit of stuff that you’ve probably

had through your therapist yeah those

who probably gives you different tools

that you can literally bring out as and

when you need them because that’s kind

of how my mom explains it as well a

hundred percent like I’m kind of

reinvent the tools they gave me to work

for me

so something that I do massively when I

feel extremely anxious I don’t if you’ve

seen on my Instagram or that bar split

page into and I’m one on one side I

write my negative feelings and emotions

and on the other side I write a healthy

point of view and it just helps me

conceptualize how I’m feeling it kind of

brings you out of my brain onto paper

and kind of I can actually write down a

different way of or view in it mmm yeah

your Instagram is brilliant and you’re

gonna get the oddest friend requests by

the way because I’ve asked my mom to

follow your Instagram because some of

your stuff is like I can’t get some of

it like I get like 80% of it send me

because I’ve lived with my mom my mom

was like my best well she is my best

friend and and I’ll sin what he’s done

like taken away from her life so it’s

kind of I know that if she can read your

messages and listen to your poetry I

mean you know huh no gtv sorry your

stories your Instagram stories it will

help and it resonate with her so yeah

I’m obviously gonna put all the links

for the listeners as well to know your

social medias at the end of it because I

think it’s really important that you’ve

seen someone who’s yeah you you’re not

fully 100% over it at the minute but

you’re dealing with it and you’re

dealing with it in the best way and each

time you’re getting better better

equipped and hopefully somebody who’s

probably earlier down the journey they

can benefit from yourself and this is

the whole point of this podcast is that

they can learn from your your experience

of suppose and hopefully change their

life for the better sooner exactly

that’s that’s the thing like I am NOT

I’m not perfect I’m not free to storm

you never will because life just

frustrate you all the time I’ve come and

but the only thing I can do is just try

and help people through how I try to

help myself

mmm and you are so yeah just try and be

as real as I can on Instagram you know

let people know how much it days because

Instagram is a is a fake world really it

isn’t it’s a highlight reel is which is

why I appreciate like your content so

keep that going buddy I’m gonna switch

the pace a little bit now so I know some

of the stuff that you do on a daily

basis but I think it’s important for the

listeners who have heard about your

story to understand what your daily

routine is like so I’m a big big

believer that we are the results of the

thoughts we tell ourselves and really

habits and so what’s your daily routine

from the moment you wake up to the

moment you go to sleep well or every day

is different and I’m not gonna I can’t

lie to you hmm

I don’t have a daily routine I’m still

trying to work out myself in terms of I

know what what would work well for me

but I haven’t put it in place so I’ve

listened to one of your podcast one of

your early ones about the guy who used

the miracle morning that’s right yeah

chin very good friend yeah I knew that

was a great podcast by the way thank you

so yeah I bet the miracle morning thing

was last year and I started putting a

lot of things into practice in the

morning not felt great and but then

exams came around again from my accounts

and I just fell off it well I have

certain things I do during a week rather

than a daily routine a daily routine is

something I’m working on in 2019 okay I

need to incorporate meditation I need to

incorporate leaving my phone out of my

room in the end of the day because that

just adds to anxiety mm-hmm so things

that I do on a weekly basis to try and

help me and relieve my stress is number

one you probably see a lot on Instagram

I love my Costa Coffee yeah I love going

there by myself taking a book reading

maybe writing some poetry just sitting

there watching the world and just being

comfortable in my own thoughts I love my

alone time now and another big thing

daily is Jim obviously so I usually

through that after work and it literally

just puts me in a difference day of

night it’s almost like meditation

absolutely almost like meditation and

you’re just there with your own thoughts

music in or not and you’re just

concentrating on pushing the way up

you’re not thinking about your past

decisions you made you not think about

the future you’re just in that moment

there and then so that helps me

massively another daily routine meal

prep obviously every morning but yeah

I’m I’m still learning I’m still

learning about routines and I will have

it together soon but like you’ve touched

down there even myself my routine

changes from like year to year because

you always you’re almost tweaking it so

I’ve done the whole waking up at 4:00

a.m. and then working my ass off

but then what would happen is at two

o’clock in the afternoon you not crash

and let’s sleep for like an hour and a

half because I’m absolutely knackered so

then I was like this is pointless and so

then I mixed it up and now it’s like

I’ll wake up at 6 or 7 it depends on

basing my day so if you’ll get an early

podcast or I forgot like an investor

medium or something like that then I’ll

tweak it but generally speaking I don’t

really care what time I wake up because

I believe it’s what you do in the day

but you’ve got some great habits in

there like like the gym the meal prep I

mean that you’re feeding your body

you’re feeding your mind there so it’s

about utilizing your time and taking

chunks out of the day where you can

really be productive in terms of

whatever your end goal is and a great

book that I’ve read that is gonna help

me put that my favorite Wiens practice

is called the room of the rhythm of life

by Matthew Kelly the rhythm of life ok

so I know you you follow my mindful

fitness page yeah yeah I do I’ve

recently just started following that

yeah

that’s that’s in the making and my

therefore mindful fitness is stemming

off that book really so what walks about

in that book is you have essential means

in life to survive so you have you have

oxygen you have a young Ward so you need

those things or you will die

but what people often neglect is their

legitimate needs and there’s four of

these and we collect them because we’re

too busy day today which is so

fast-paced in our lives and but those

four needs our physical needs so

nutrition and exercise emotional needs

which is relationships with people where

that’s going to get coffee with a friend

talking someone haven’t talked in a long

time then you have your spiritual needs

a bit harder to define for me it’s just

being being comfortable yourself

spending some alone time with through

meditation going for a walk in nature

and the fourth one is intellectual needs

which is knowledge and learning new

things and we often neglect a lot of

those and one trying to do is encompass

those in my life and try and help people

encompass those in this because when one

of those things are off that’s when your

anxiety will spike yeah yeah that’s so

interesting that’s powerful I’m gonna

I’m gonna attach that book actually the

rhythm of life by Matthew Kelly you said

yeah yes brilliant Kay I’ll add that to

obviously you’re you’ve got to Instagram

pages as well would you at the bottom so

I’ll have a look at that I appreciate

that buddy thank you look into that

fantastic okay so

the next question is about adversity and

what I want you to do is if you could go

back in time and think of a time that

you faced great adversity but you

persevered through it so just one

particular time and I want you to

explain how you won obviously the

adversity to how you got through it and

three what are the lessons that you

taught you at the end of it oh Jesus

Christ

get your thinking cap on okay my figured

you know you know I said to you before

this podcast you sent me the questions

in that and I was gonna happen little

read about them you haven’t read all of

you know what last night yeah I upgraded

my iPhone on Saturday and it delete

whatsapp conversations lost by a 10

o’clock and I was like sheets messages

just suck up do it which is why I think

this episode so far is so intriguing

fascinating because everything you’re

saying is if you know it’s not you

haven’t scripted it out it’s literally

just you speaking from the heart so I

always find that more authentic the

reason I do give the questions that

before is just because some people

suffer with is ie exactly okay well you

hear anyway the question has been asked

just have a have a few moments again any

dead time and stuff I can always edit it

how so I’ll probably cost me because

like a particular situational moment

because there just been so many my life

and I’ve had to come out of well

probably my latest one is just

qualifying as a child accountant loads

of adversity faced there whether it was

work just not seeing myself was good

enough in septal workout producing the

knowledge that I have and just comparing

myself to others that within my firm

sort of thing and yet having to go back

on antidepressants was a big blow for me

it helped me massively enough if anyone

is taken out to the presence there’s

absolutely nothing against them I was on

a about 20 milligrams a citalopram if

any of you listeners know just stop give

them the information and I’ve been on

that for about three years since I like

my job

there’s no comment and slowly slowly I

was prescribed

ten just before Christmas so 10

milligrams taking one every day for two

weeks and then I take one every other

day

for two weeks and now I’m in a process

of just taking two tablets a week for

the next two weeks and I’ll be off them

and yes I defects for anyone gran out

there there are massive side effects so

I did feel a lot more rumination come

into play so just kin stuff very a lot

more emotional and very snappy er people

close to me I love my family so I

apologise to them on here I’m sure I

understand

yeah and very very tired and lethargic

but now honestly I feel amazing honestly

I really do feel good brilliant mate

okay so the next question it’s we’re

going to get to happiest if I show you

so today it’s a memory but but the next

question is what is your biggest fear my

biggest fear is probably going back into

a depressed state massively that’s my

biggest fear

and the fear of that I think helps me

keep keep out of it and is that through

your daily discipline like the stuff

that you doing the stuff you you’re

saying to yourself 100% like things I

say to myself just be more open and

talking now and actually feeling like I

have something comments to pursue like I

honestly believe I’ve been through what

I’ve been through for a reason as

everyone will probably say but I’m on

this earth not not to be an accountant

like I love my job and I love the people

I work with but my true calling is just

to help people help themselves

just bring me talking about experiences

and everyone can do that and you will do

you helping me and I’ve gone through it

myself even just some of the stuff you

say you know it’s making so much more

sense but we are a result of the things

we tell ourselves then just on that

point I think that’s really important

it’s something I’m trying to get my mom

and anyone on all going through that

similar situation to do as well because

a very very quick example a little bit

about myself is yeah suffering with

anxiety and be shy I’ve always basically

walked looking at the floor kind of like

with a hunchback if you can kind of

imagine that so my hands in my pocket

and I’ve never really making eye contact

with anyone and I’m just kind of walking

and I remember recently I think it was

about two weeks ago we went for some

food and I said

my friends I hadn’t seen for about six

months and he goes have you gotten

taller and I was like what like puberty

when a long time ago me and he was like

no you’ve gotta be like taller and I was

like well I’ve always been this tall so

I’m like I’m just six foot eight six

foot and I was kind of like just the

same height as in and you kind of

shocked and what I realized was so I’ve

been doing like affirmations and telling

myself stories every single morning is

part of my morning ritual and one of the

things is I am confident I am no longer

shy I am and I would say well these

empowering words to myself and without

realizing it without even thinking about

it my physical body had changed which I

just find fascinating that’s somebody

who I’ve known for like the best part of

16 years had come up to miss it man

you’ve just grown a few inches but it’s

because my demeanors changed now my

chest is proud and that there’s no level

of arrogance or anything in that it’s

just I’m just confident knowing myself

and I’m not this shy anxious person who

scared the world or what people will say

about me I’m comfortable in my own skin

and the other thing about you is you’re

going to the gym and you’re getting

bigger so that’s probably right my

foodstuffs I do try and eat out

brilliant so we spoke about your fear

what is your motivation then what keeps

you going even on the days when you’re

in a funk for example lucky gentleman

what keeps me going is knowing I’m here

for a bigger reason than myself mmm

deep down when I still help him my

family around me helping friends helping

people I don’t even know and that reach

out to me not try not good as much as I

can but just believed I found something

caught truly believing and anyone out

there like I know how hard it is to not

know your purpose it like be being a job

or be a plan for job in a union not know

what what a fuck you want to do of your

life

yeah and it doesn’t matter how would you

get it I believe one day we’ll just

spark like if you asked me a year ago

what when I do I have no idea and

whereas things have just lights

sparking and you know pulling into place

and that will happen for you it’s just

about whether you’re you’re willing to

take the risk to go and pursue those

dreams that’s all it is I love that that

is so true and I think I always urge

people now so even like my younger

brother

I urge people to just try new things and

do different things because 12 months

ago May being a podcast host was

probably the last thing I’d ever want to

do other than it’ll be an out of a plane

I mean and I’m at I’m actually debated

whether I’m gonna do that in the next

year or so jumping out the plane safely

should we say yeah trying anything crazy

obviously with it with all this right

people around but it’s weird how you how

your passion just develops my actual

passion now is like you said it’s making

that true impact it’s making that

difference in life so yeah the beautiful

thing with that is is forcing me to come

out of my comfort zone hence doing a

podcast hence putting myself out there

on social media and doing this podcast

opening that business with more mommies

it’s crazy to think that I would have

been doing this because I just didn’t

think I would so I think you’ve hit the

nail on the head there people should

just go out there take that risk trust

that it will fall into place because I

truly believe it won’t but at the same

time everyone’s journey is different so

just because it’s falling I think in

place for somebody out there he doesn’t

necessarily mean it’s going to be the

same for you it could be at 22 or it

could be at 50 but don’t don’t compare

basically what I’m trying to say exactly

because I’ve people might look at me and

say oh he’s a qualified accountant he

saw it for life now I’m just I’ve chosen

to go part-time comma salary you know

money doesn’t money you need it

unfortunately you need money but I’m

focused on my happiness right now when

I’m going part-time to to actually go

for what I truly want to do okay

fantastic so there you’ve heard the

buzzer and we are now in the fun part of

this show so this is a quickfire 60

seconds where I’m gonna be asking costs

all sorts of wonderful and weird

questions and the beautiful thing is he

hasn’t read the show notes so you have

no idea what I’m gonna ask him and

they’re not the same questions as always

I do like to mix it up a little bit but

so please are you ready buddy I’m ready

okay we’re gonna start in 3 2 1

okay the ability to fly or be invisible

fly money or fame fame singing or

dancing singing

Netflix on YouTube that thinks Marvel or

DC I don’t watch evil okay Batman or

Superman Superman favorite TV show ever

oh Jesus Christ soprano would you rather

how you will die or when you were dying

when I would die love or money

love books or movies books if you could

sit with one person in the world for an

hour who would it be my sister your

worst fear growing up getting older what

is your biggest addiction Instagram if

you could abolish one thing in the world

what would it be depression your

favorite song ever compete J : Drake any

songs French or Spanish Spanish pizza or

steak

they comedy or horror comedy and the

last one which is completely random

which is wizards which is the funny

thing is I wrote these like a long time

ago so I’m looking at it myself to get

what okay brilliant

the answer about your sister as well I

think I think she’s gonna love to hear

this back I’m sure you tell her anyway

on a daily basis but if you’re anything

like me sometimes I shy away from

telling the people I love the most I

care for him so much and it’s probably

something that I should do as well but

so we run to the one but last question

and this one’s always about reflection

because I always believe hindsight is a

wonderful thing and upon reflection we

can always think of ways to get to where

we are quicker easier or we less

heartache and we wouldn’t be the people

we are today if it wasn’t for the

process I’ve been through so what I want

to know is if you could go back in time

to that one moment where you really

struggled and suffered with adversity

and you could just whisper something in

your ear knowing exactly what you know

now what would you say say to yourself

oh I probably tell myself to tell people

how you feel and because yeah it’s

extremely hard even by looking back and

even the you for today it’s hard to

express how you feel whether that’s

because you’re gonna be mocked on social

media your friends won’t understand

because of different maturity levels ah

yeah just be just just talking about how

you feel just talk about it I love that

and I want to get you to do if you don’t

mind one of your poems now I think

because you’ve been through it you

couldn’t you can hear the passion in

your voice as well are you just before

you start this are you thinking about

doing books or ebooks or anything on

that

Oasis I want to release a book

poetry book and also I’m in a process of

trying to gather to do like spoken word

events okay um so I wanna go and perform

poetry and and yeah it’s funny how I

only started writing I used to write

poetry a lot for Mother’s Day cards uh

my mom she’s probably got loads of poems

which is quite handy because every time

my sister would ask me what we should

get my mom article I’ll just write what

last year I went to Cyprus and my

granddad was writing poetry in Greek Oh

what just about turmoil he’s been

through in his life and stuff I went

over to Cyprus by myself actually just

to save my grandparents for a couple

weeks and I thought you know what maybe

I should try writing down stuff as well

so it’s the one I’m gonna read is the

first one I wrote in Cyprus some of some

of them when I write them I can kind of

I don’t feel this way anymore but can

kind of go back to how I felt and write

the emotions down which is yeah yeah

which is quite good for me and so yeah

the one I’m gonna read this the first

one ever wrote when I started writing

properly and it’s called him him love it

let’s go all right so here miss just the

game playing with my mind an easy target

for him he always seems to find he

always seems to be there to put me in my

place lurking a scheming like a puff of

smoke all up in my face and I are closed

my eyes praying that he’ll go but in the

morning he’s still there he always seems

to show he follows me constantly like a

hovering dark cloud I turned to look at

me

look at him in the face sometimes and he

smiled was also proud what did he want

from me what about done a question every

day my whole life he seems to have taken

and he’s here to stay but one day it

seems to click and I look all around

he has no physical presence so how can

he be so profound that’s when I realized

I’m living in the past and future with

my other thinking mind an easy target

for him he’ll never ever find Wow

that is powerful yeah and there that’s

that’s about depression may that’s a

talent there you know you’ve got may got

many talents you work out well you’ve

got the accountancy going for you you’ve

got this poetry going for you yeah and

if your aim is to like change change the

world for the better and help people who

have been through similar situation to

yourself like you know it’s going to be

excited understand I mean people like

and we’ve never actually met in person

but with people like you is voice all

about as well I appreciate that and it’s

the reason I love doing this is because

after after speaking with somebody I

almost feel like a new level of

connection if that make sense so it’s

like I see you like as a friend now I

mean I’ve probably spoken to more in

depth about personal stuff than I do

with some of my friends and but

genuinely like my hand is here if you

never need it if ever there’s anything

that I can help you with in the future

if ever there’s times that you feel and

or anything because it is about just

helping each other up because there’s

going to be times where I might need

that for example yeah 100% you know I’m

here absolutely hit me a message

absolutely I appreciate it and you just

keep doing what you’re doing because I

think you’re gonna you gonna inspire so

many people and like I said my mom’s

gonna be fun in you hopefully today I

didn’t tell you yesterday so alright

I’ll look up no pages yeah she types

quite funny I was always left for them

because she taught me like the one

finger thing and it doesn’t always make

sense but I just think it’s important

because I think any age any demographics

or whatever it is your message is just

true we are at the last question now for

Jenny and this is a question that I

asked all of my guests and it’s if in

150 years time science is unable to save

us and we are no longer about and all

that exists is a book and this book is

about the story of your life it’s a

story that you’ve written moving on from

now up until the day that you sadly pass

away what I want to know is firstly what

does a blurb say about you I a summary

to make someone you really want to pick

that up and think actually I’m

interested in this person and secondly

what would you call the title of your

book Oh

I think my book would have to be a

poetry book rather than biography and

the title of the book I think would be

memoirs of an anxious mind and the blur

I don’t think would say too much at all

it would just say I don’t even know a

poem perhaps that could kind of sum up

your yeah a poem that sums up or just a

man in his mind just an anxious mind

full stop just something plain and

simple and the poetry and the poems will

speak for themselves about the

situations about the feelings and

emotion that’s powerful I think you also

listen to episode one I thought you

might have not been getting this by here

why keV and the beautiful thing with

Kevin’s as well because he’s my boxing

trainer he’s a lovely chap but he also

does poetry as well yeah and I just find

it I find it fascinating because like

keV you do poetry and I listen to a

couple of years as well and we’re in the

process of kind of resurfacing him

because he’s got him in like normal

books and I’ll say maybe you could self

publish it get it out there because I

just feel like really hit your

heartstrings so it’s powerful buddy it’s

been an absolute pleasure I just want to

thank you for your time again and

apologies for the stuff in the morning

obviously it took us about 30 minutes to

get skies it’s got going but at least

you managed to find your voice yeah the

shameless plug there from the morning

but what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna put

links to all your social medias that I

know but if there is anything else or

anywhere else you want people to find

you because I think it’s important that

people can follow your journey and

people can learn from you learn from you

you can maybe help them if you wouldn’t

mind where’s the best place to find you

the best place for me is probably my

personal Instagram page which is cmk

lifestyle and then my other page which

is up and running and I want to stop it

a lot more up there as my business

expense is mindful fitness spelt with

double L and actually spoke incorrectly

by accident but actually actually works

really well now and you know there’s

actually a funny turn on Instagram you

can only one person can have a name in

the world

yeah for a name so mindful fitness

double-l was taken so I originally had

to call it mindful doc fitness and I

found the woman she was in a miracle and

a person who had mindful fitness and the

name and I said to my friend I’m gonna

message her and ask her if I can have

her name like we can switch and would

like don’t be silly she’s not gonna do

that so I sent her a long message I see

them two at the MS they’re like I

literally spilled out my heart out to

her and asked if we could swap names um

and I’ve got a message the next morning

and she said she’d be happy to for $50

so I sent over fifty dollars a night and

she’s got mindful dot fitness so

fantastic yeah see that it’s all of its

all about sliding into DMZ

I love that okay um are you active on

any anything else or should we just

stick to Instagram for now Instagram for

now and then I’ll be expanding pretty

soon fantastic and obviously once people

can finally find you on there

you’re quite active in terms of your

story so they can obviously fun of your

journey I’ll be finding your journey may

it’s been an absolute pleasure speaking

to you this isn’t going to be the last

time you speak but obviously offline if

I can help you in any way and vice versa

I’d like like you’re helping me you’re

helping my mom as of today and you’ll be

helping many other people as well so I

want to say thank you to you and to the

listeners at home thanks for listening

and remember this podcast is absolutely

free so all we ask in return is for you

to share this with a friend and drop us

a five star review over on iTunes have

an awesome day

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